After two weeks of not seeing lily in person I was finally able to hug my first born. It has never been easy being away from her. Boy was I happy to have my family back under one roof.
Lily greeted us at the door and was so excited to meet her little brothers and see mom and dad. She was lovin’ on everyone. I was excited to have these precious moments IN OUR HOME and not the NICU. We cuddled up on the couch, she helped feed the boys, she sang them lullabies and immediately became the best little mama we could ask for.
I was very thankful for not having pain meds during the delivery because I felt great. I heard not having medication could make recovery easier/quicker but wasn’t totally convinced. Sure enough, I was walking around and feeling my self with minimal pain at all. Would I choose to have no medication if we had another baby? Probably not 🤣 (another baby!?)
The first night with the boys wasn’t terrible. Actually nothing about having them home was bad at all. I’d take the crying and sleepless nights forever as long as my babes were healthy. Which they were for the most part. Their bloody poops were starting to go away and they were happy boys.
However, every. single. time. they ate, they would projectile vomit. On me, the bed, the couch, the carpet, the blankets, the dogs. There was no telling how much or how far they would reach. It’s hard not to laugh when you’re soaked from one boy, you change quick then keep feeding and the other boy spits up alllll over you too. It got to the point I’d stay in my soaked clothes until I was pretty confident it wouldn’t happen anymore. And then it would. I smelt. Bad.
So the first night was your typical night. A few feeds. No sleep for Nick and I. I was still decreasing my pumps to try and dry up and I was terrified the boys would stop breathing.
Day two of being home: we had an early morning appointment to weigh the boys, check their poops and cooper needed to have another hearing test. The first couple at the hospital came back inconclusive (again, nothing was easy). We got the boys in their car seats and ready to go.
Lily questioned if mom would be coming back or if I’d have to stay at the hospital again. She questioned if her brothers were going to come back or not because brother Weston never came home. It broke my heart that she truly understood what was going on. We reassured her we would be coming home and that it was just a quick appointment. It was hard to leave. Worrying we would get into a crash and we wouldn’t come home like I had promised. Worried the doctor would tell us something was wrong and then it’s would end up in the NICU like we promised wouldn’t happen.
They both did great and cooper finally passed his hearing test! We were on our way back home to relax and enjoy the day with all our babes. Once home lily asked if a baby was in my belly because it looked like I was still 4 months pregnant. This surprisingly caught me off guard and brought back so many emotions. After Weston was born and didn’t come home, lily didn’t understand he was at the hospital and then died until we explained it to her. She thought he was still in my 4 month looking belly and would talk to it thinking he was in there.
That’s when we decided to explain that he wasn’t in my belly but he was in the sky. Everywhere she looked he was there and watching over us. The moon became a huge part of our lives. And when she couldn’t find the moon we’d talk about how he was playing hide and seek with it but that he was still listening to us. So this time we had to explain that mommy just looked pregnant but there definitely wasn’t a baby in there anymore.
When we left the hospital they gave us a couple cans of the prescription formula to get us through a couple days but then we needed to figure out how to get more on our own. The doctors office gave us another 10 cans when we went to their appointment but none of the pharmacies around where we live were able to get it. I was beyond stressed worried I wouldn’t be able to feed my babies. People were now wearing masks everywhere and it was a typical let me run into the pharmacy quick and chat with them.
We were told we would have to drive to the hospital pharmacy whenever we needed more. It would make for a long year but totally worth it to make sure they were getting what they needed.
Insurance said they wouldn’t pay for it and it’d be about $500 out of pocket each month and more as they got older and drank more. But then we spoke to someone else at the insurance company and she worked some magic and was able to get it covered 100% AND through a company that would automatically ship it to us each month. Things were starting to fall into place. Not sure her name but if she some how is reading this, thank you from the bottom of ours hearts. What a relief to not have to worry anymore.
I think we were home for two or three days and we decided to buy a new car. One that had a third row. Well, it was the very beginning of the pandemic. Everything was closed. We had to wear masks. No one knew anything about this virus. (Does anyone really know much about it now, 7 months later 🥴) so we sat in my old car and bought my new car. Very strange experience not going into the dealership. We traded the cars the following day. So happy we got a bigger car. All of the car seats now fit perfectly and even the dogs fit in the car too! Anddddd we cant go anywhere or travel so did we actually need a bigger car?!
The next days and weeks continued to be great. I physically felt great. I mentally was doing better than I thought I would. I wasn’t stressed, EVEN WITH TWIN NEW BORNS. The one thing I hated was that I didn’t attach to the boys.
I wore the boys in a carrier together for as long as I could but once they didn’t fit I felt guilty holding one and not the other. Which meant I just didn’t hold them often. I put a lot of time and effort into creating a healthy mindset. I started running and working out at 5 weeks post partum. I focused a lot on trying to lose the baby weight. Every time I felt guilty for not wanting to be with the boys 24/7 I’d run. The weight started falling off but I wasn’t feeling any better about not wanting to be around the boys.
As Cooper and Wyatt have gotten older and more interactive it randomly hit me. I was no longer nervous every second of every day that they’d die and I finally felt a connection. The fear of something happening to them was really what kept me from enjoying them.
A friend of mine reached out to our family. Her beautiful daughter also died at a young age and was unable to eat at a certain point. She shared they had leftover formula, the same one cooper and Wyatt drink. She was wondering if we wanted it since she had been wanting to donate to someone. As I made the first bottle with the same formula they had been drinking their entire life, it felt different. I knew my friends daughter was with Weston and it felt special to be giving her formula to our boys.
It’s a weird connection to have with someone. Hey we’re friends because our children died. But I personally find peace in knowing someone has been in a similar situation and if I needed to talk I could reach out. Same goes for other people. I am always willing to answer questions or be a listening ear.
I’m back to work full time. The boys are just shy of 7 months. They each have two teeth. Wyatt is crawling. He’s mischievous. He’s my wild child who puts everything in his mouth to include both dogs tails and coopers hands feet and head. Cooper is a mama’s boy. He is not impressed when his brother tries eating him. He’s a speed demon in his walker and manages to always get the back of our ankles. We are having so much fun.
We’re going to be starting solids shortly. Will they have food fights or will they eat like big boys. Stay tuned 😉